Although having a daughter was one of the highlights of my life, her birth catalyzed an insidious change that took me years to finally notice. All through her early childhood my life was a series of unfortunate events that included everything from a failed marriage to multiple dead end career choices.
My life, relationships, and schedules became disorganized messes. It seemed everything I tried to do ultimately failed. I wondered what happened to the vivacious young woman I used to be, full of optimism, accomplishments and potential. I felt completely out of alignment with myself and frustrated that I had no idea what my real purpose for being alive was.
So one day, out of sheer desperation, I decided I’d had enough and it was time to get my life back in order. The problem was, I had no idea how to do that. I found a short guided meditation track online, and figured it would be an easy place to start. It took me through a gratitude exercise, and then one for forgiveness. I was happily flying through the meditation until it innocently asked me to “envision my perfect future five years from now.”
And then it happened. My mental vision board suddenly went blank. Nothing. Space. Void.
I opened my eyes and stopped the track as the enormity of what just happened hit me. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a plan.
I. Didn’t. Have. A. Plan.
Wow. In fact, I didn’t even know what I wanted, so how could I possibly have plan?! After my initial wave of panic subsided, I began to think back, wondering when it was that I accidentally stopped having a clear direction for my life…
Then I realized it was the day my lovely daughter was born. From that moment on all my focus naturally switched from taking care of myself to taking care of her. She became my mental and energetic priority. My plans were no longer for me, but for her. Unfortunately, this well intended, unconscious shift didn’t help me to build the best life possible for my daughter…instead it led me to make choices that lacked direction, and created a very stressed, burnt out, and overwhelmed mother.
So with a deep breath, I turned the meditation track back on, closed my eyes, and began the process of rebuilding myself, one dream, one goal at a time. I did this every day, and each day that elusive five year vision became more detailed, nuanced, and rich. I began to feel hopeful again, made decisions that supported my new ambitions, and steadily integrated daily routines that profoundly changed the way I related to myself and my family.
I know what it takes to move from a place of internal and external chaos gradually back into alignment with yourself and into a lifestyle guided by your core values. My life was literally falling apart because I was living without conscious direction – snapping at my loved ones out of stress, lacking a schedule that kept my house in order, not allowing any “me” time to do things that I enjoyed, etc. I was definitely not showing up in my life as the best version of myself, and I wanted the loving, patient, fun, successful “me” back again.
That’s the mother I wanted my daughter to know, and I’m grateful everyday for the opportunity to help other remarkable, intelligent, ambitious women transforms their lives simply by realigning them with their own strengths, goals, and unique visions of their own happiness.